Day 17.  The oncologist said my hair would begin falling out on day 17.  I have come to believe that he often gives me definitive answers when there are none. I want to know when my hair will fall out.  He says day 17.  As if it's an absolute.  As if he has no doubt.

Day17, my hair begins to fall of out.  Just like he said.  I hope he is as accurate about other things (like cure rates) as he was about this.  

I only had a quarter of an inch of hair left so I thought losing what is left wouldn't be a big deal.  But it is.  It turns my stomach. 

I have controlled what I can in this process, but I am reminded, as I scrub away what is left of my stubble, exactly how much is out of my control.  Most days I feel quite strong and determined.  But today I remember that underneath all that determination is a patchwork of scars, chemo related discomforts,  frustrations, and fears.  I been cut up and shorn.   Watching the water pool in the drain, the truth of it all is hard to forget.