See no evil, hear no evil

Published by pam on Sat, 02/25/2012 - 12:22pm

This isn't what I wanted to write about.   It isn't a story I wanted to tell.  There are no fairies or dragons or children in capes.  All things are not possible and evil cannot be destroyed with a magic book or a spell.  This isn't the story I wanted to write. I didn't choose it.  It chose me.
 
This isn't good, the radiologist said. 
 
There were no greetings, no eye contact.  She walked right to the ultrasound machine.  
 
This isn't good at all.
 
 She might as well have said, you're screwed.
 
The lump came out of nowhere.  How could I have missed it?  I'd had yearly mammograms for two decades.  It had only been eight months since my last films.  I'd done self exams.  Hadn't i?  I couldn't have forgotten.  But there had been so many biopsies, so many scares.  I no longer pointed out every little bump and lump.  I looked for change, checking everything for a match on the opposite breast.  I'd long since stopped panicking.  Things were always begnin. This was too.  I was sure of it.
 
The receptionist was reluctant to even make an appointment.  I wasn't due.  She needed a physician's referral.  They  had a policy.  My OBGYN needed to confirm the lump was a lump.  At fifty, my lump judgement is still not refined enough to be trusted.  But at fifty, I know a thing or two about how to get what I want, and I'm not above being pushy.  
 
The lump is the size of an egg, I told her.  It would take me a month to get in to see my OBGYN and another three weeks to get in to see the radiologist.  Was it really their ​policy to wait so long?  If it is a tumor, it's growing fast.  I wouldn't think the radiologist would want to expose themselves to the consequences of waiting nearly two months to evaluate whatever is growing inside me.  
 
I sounded just a tad unhinged.  Unhinged would work in my favor.  Unhinged women don't back down.  
 
She made the appointment, but told me I would need to have OBGYN fax her an order.  It was their policy.
 
This isn't good.  This isn't good at all.  I resited the urge to tell the radiologist that if her receptionist had gotten her way, I'd still be waiting for an appointment to see my OBGYN.
 
I could see the white mass in the x ray.  It wasn't a tiny little calcification that required a magnifying glass to be seen.  It had legs.  It looked alive.  Like a monster on the dark ocean floor,  it blanketed my chest wall, no doubt devouring the healthy tissue behind it - a beastly creature capable of cracking barnacles with its boneless flesh, sucking up the meat inside.  
 
But still it was nothing.  It had to be.  Thats what I told myself as the radiologist took a core sample and began telling me what would come next.